Chapter 8.0: Inner Scream

Its me...again, posting late...again.
Hoestly, its no wonder that that noone reads my posts. Since I update it once in a blue moon. I've tried to keep a more constant schedule in updating the blog here, but honestly when I do try to keep up with the schedule that I've made myself, I find myself at a writers block because I have no content to write. I mean, I agree that life is a jounry and an ongoing adventure, and don't get me wrong...a lot does happen in my life, but the question is if its blog worthy?
Anyone got any advice or suggestions that they have that could help with my situation?

Alright! Enough of me ranting about how I suck at keeping my blog updated, for this posts topic, its about my inner struggles, but the word "struggle" does not even begin to describe my current inner status and thus, I've decided to use the word "scream" as thats EXACTLY what my inner self wants to do regardless where I am.


Ok...hold on. Let me take a minute or two to collect my thoughts.


Honestly, I really don't know how to put my current inner status into words. So, with that said, please bare with me. I'll TRY my best to put all thats going on into comprehendable words. <- did THAT even make sense?
So, ALOT of things have happened since well basically the beginning of this year. To update y'all with the little details: yes, I did get engaged (& legally married) recently and my roommates (Heardusk & nnaamm3) and I recently moved houses.
The year 2016 has actually been a year filled with grace, mercy and a lot of joy. So what's the problem you ask?

The problem is me.
I've always knew that the passing of my dad would cause me to be a wreck inside since I really depended on him. He was my mentor and helped me grow (in more ways than one). Some people tell me that it's because I'm unwilling to 'let go' of my dad, and to be honest till this very second I really don't know what that means. I'm not in denial of the fact that my dad is no longer here with me. So, what does it mean to 'let go'?

It's been two years since papa chow left, and the pain hasn't been any easier to deal with. So am I just weak sauce? Many people have told me that the pain will subside in time, and really hasn't been that long since he left, but still...I guess the reason why I'm mentioning about papa Chow once again and the pain resurfaced because I've always dreamed and imagined that I'd be able to share the day when I get married with him and that the moment when I walk down that aisle, he'd be right there walking beside me, but more than all of those, I've always been looking forward to that moment when I get to have that 'Father Daughter Dance' and as blissful as I may feel, I can't help but to feel a bit incomplete?
<- lack of words to describe the feeling....

Honestly, now I just feel like I'm a little child whining; but to this day, I feel like I understand what my dad meant by there are certain things in life that will happen that you will regret, even though you had no say in it what-so-ever. For two years, I have been internally beating myself up for the passing of Papa Chow. For those who know me, I've always been one that would never allow myself to do anything that I might possibly regret later on life. With that said, I've done a lot of things that I knew I shouldn't have because of the mere fact that I knew if I hadn't done it...I knew for sure I would regret it. Through out my 22 years (at the time), whenever I look back on what I've done, all the bad and good experiences I went through, etc. I have NEVER regretted anything, until...Papa Chow passed away. I regret not saying 'I love you' more often enough to him. I regret (at times) moving to Korea for school, work and ministry. I regret obeying and playing by the rules when my school wouldn't let me take the option of taking a make-up final exam causing me to not be able to see my dad for the very last time before he died. I regret abandoning my family during such hard times. I regret not being there for my dad when he really needed me to. Most of you reading this (if any) might say: "you need to stop blaming yourself" or "you're over thinking it..." and I will reply that you are most definitely right. I DO need to stop blaming myself, I KNOW that what happened in the end wasn't something that I could really prevent from happening and blaming myself isn't going to help change that fact.

At times like this, I honestly wonder what the reason behind everything that has happened to me after his death and everything that I'm going through currently. I believe and know that things happen for a reason, regardless if it is good or bad, but during times like these I have a hard time getting through it because of the fact that my natural instinct is to shut off the emotional side and just go by logic...which is basically equivelant to just running away from the problem...or in my case my emotions. Lately, I find myself waking up with a wet pillow (
no, not from drooling) and my eyes all puffed up OR I just find myself unable to sleep and end up staying up at night thinking about "LIFE". To be honest, this blog is really nothing more than just my own personal online emotional diary (another reason why I doubt people will read it, aside from the fact that I tend to not share my blog). I know that some friends of mine, may not agree with this, but there are more than a few times that I am so desperate to sleep that I pour myself a few glasses of bitter drinks in the comfort of my own home, or if I'm desperate for some new emotional discovery, then I will go out to the GS25 (convenient store) around the corner and grab a bucket of ice cream and just binge on it (I end up finishing the whole bucket in less than thirty minutes).

With that said, I don't even know what the meaning of this post is anymore.
I guess this post will now be deemed as written verbal vomit....?

My apologies everyone, I'll try to come back with a better topic for the next blog.

In the mean time from now and the next post, I will continue to cry/scream internally.